If you get your self-esteem from somewhere else, it may not be as intense in the moment, but it will last a lot longer. Online validation might feel good for a moment, but ultimately when the private messages stop and the feeling you get fizzles away. You also have to think about the long game here. Although it may not be as immediately gratifying, it’s ultimately a more stable foundation. Therapy can be a great sounding board for being aware of how we talk to ourselves, and honing new language. For example, I noticed you called yourself “fat” and used the word “disgusting.” What if you weren’t quite so harsh towards yourself, and viewed yourself as “a work in progress”? The tone in which you talk to yourself matters. Practice being kind to yourself when it comes to your weight and appearance. The only person’s opinion that ultimately matters is your own, because that’s the only one you have control over.
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Instead, I invite you to consider other options for self-worth.
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One contrary opinion and that house of cards will fall. If you set yourself up to generate self-esteem from the opinions of others, your self-worth is then teetering on a weak foundation of outside views that you have no control over. Ohio State University did a study measuring brain activity in 1998 that concluded, “negative stimuli have a greater impact on our minds than positive stimuli.” We tend to focus more on negative comments than positive ones, and allow those to overtake us. My concern is that in using this kind of anonymous validation as the path towards self-esteem, you’re opening yourself up to the occasional troll who may try to eviscerate you and that you’ll end up focusing on that, and it could upend you. We know how superficial gay men can sometimes be, especially in places like Grindr (“no fats, no femmes”), so when you get a different reaction than you might be used to, it can be intoxicating.
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I can understand how it can feel good to be complimented for something you’ve been shamed for in the past.